Real Talk · Uncategorized

How you can help support couples with a COVID postponed wedding.

7 Do’s and Dont’s: The New Age of Wedding Etiquette.

Chances are, we all know at lease one couple who have had to postpone their wedding because of corona virus.
With the state of the world right now, it might seem trivial to be upset about ‘just’ pushing the wedding back a calendar date. As a 2020 bride myself AND a friend trying to help other couples navigate this…I can tell you there’s a lot more to it.

In the midst of the pandemic, a handful of COVID wedding support groups have sprung up all over Facebook. (Yes, I’m in a few). I wanted real feedback to better gauge what couples impacted by corona virus are collectively feeling. So, I posed two questions:

What can family and friends do to make you feel more supported right now?
What’s helped and what hasn’t?

I quickly received over 250 comments from brides in the groups  There’s a reason these couples feel more comfortable airing their grievances to strangers. A lot of them are missing that connection with their loved ones right now.

How do couples really feel about their postponed wedding?

The couples I spoke with in this weird postponement limbo are all going through various stages of grief which I think is normal and completely fair. Heck, we’re going through them over here too.

They’re sadDisappointedConfusedfrustrated, and angry.

And all the while, they’re trying their best to put on a happy face for everyone else. They feel guilty and ashamed for feeling sad about their wedding in the middle of a pandemic.

The momentum of excitement and joy leading up to the day has been replaced with anxiety and dread. Weddings take months, even years, of time and personal savings to dream up. Consequentially, postponing the wedding often means derailing other life plans…like moving in together, starting a family, buying a home, starting a new business, etc.

For some, there is a greater sense of urgency to celebrate with aging family members or loved ones with degenerative and life threatening health conditions. Obviously, their safety and security this year has taken precedence. It stings to think about what could happen between now and then.

In particular, a postponed wedding can mean a lost opportunity to include your aging nearest and dearest. I’ve also lived that experience in the last few months and that breaks my heart everyday.

How can I support my couple who had to or may have to postpone their wedding?

If you had your dream wedding, with all your people physically present, is it really fair to say “it’s ‘just’ a wedding, focus on the marriage”?

We’ve entered a new age of wedding etiquette. Those of you who are already married will agree: planning a wedding is stressful enough. But doing it during a global pandemic? Unprecedented.

2020 couples feel robbed of that same joyous experience they’ve shared with so many of their loved ones. Weddings, like milestone birthdays, graduations, and giving birth, are rites of passage. They’re grieving the lost moment…and rightfully so.

Your step-by-step guide to supporting corona virus couples.

This post is for friends, family members, and even vendors, who want to support their couple but may not know the right things to do or say. I’m glad you’re here and thank you for making the extra effort to be more empathetic and mindful. They need your support.

This is also for all the couples out there caught up in the middle of this shit-storm. I hope this post helps you feel seen and remind you that you’re not alone. If you’re having trouble expressing how you feel right now, feel free to share the link with your people. Thank you to all of those who weighed in.

1. DO: validate their feelings.

The best thing you can do to support couples who postponed their wedding is offer a safe space to vent. It’s OK to be the first one to bring it up. Instead of assuming it’s too upsetting to talk about, let them have the option to divert the conversation or open up if they’d like to. Meet them where they’re at.

Validation + hope ✔️

  • “I’m sorry you’re going through this. You have every right to feel this way.”
  • “No matter when it happens, your day is going to be beautiful.”
  • “This totally sucks. You deserve your dream day just like everyone else.”
  • “I’ll support whatever decision is right for you.”
  • “I’m always here for you if you need to vent.”

Don’t try to sugar coat the situation or gloss over it with poorly timed humour. Keep it real and genuine. Acknowledge that none of us know what the future holds and this situation is less than ideal. Remind them their feelings are valid and just listen.

“Unless you are also a bride during this pandemic, you cannot truly understand the hardship and pain in this season. It means more when people acknowledge that. I also appreciate people just listening to how I feel.“

– Hilarie N. 2020 bride

The following are only a few of the comments couples say actually make them feel worse. I know most of these sentiments come with good intentions, but our culture of constant, upbeat positivity in the face of adversity is toxic. Ignoring or downplaying all perceived ‘negative’ emotions all the time undermines our mental health.

Toxic positivity (not this) ✘

  • “It’s a small problem in the grand scheme of things.”
  • “It’s about the marriage, not the wedding.”
  • “We’ll all laugh about this someday.”
  • “Think about the story you get to tell your kids!”
  • “Everything happens for a reason.”
  • “It will all be fine/ OK/ work out.”
  • “Weddings are overrated anyway.”
  • At least you have each other/ your health/ a roof over your head/etc.”

Showering silver linings on someone when they’re not ‘there’ yet can come off as insensitive or dismissive. “Someday” has not yet arrived for a lot of these couples- they are still living through it. And no empathetic statement has ever started with the phrase “at least.”

For someone on the receiving end, hearing things like this can make you want to punch a hole in the wall and just scream.

It’s more than OK to be grateful for what we have and sad for what we don’t. There is no right or wrong way to feel right now. 

“’At least you still get to get married.’ This statement comes with such great intentions from our loved ones BUT it just continues to remind me that our wedding day won’t be the day we dreamed of. We’ve postponed our reception, but are planning to move forward with a much smaller ceremony. Yes, I’m stoked to marry my partner, but I’m sad about postponing our party and not having all of our loved ones physically present at the ceremony.”

–  Dominique M. 2020 bride

2. DON’T: offer unsolicited advice or opinions (unless asked)

I wish this went without saying, but this is THE golden rule when it comes to weddings…ALWAYS! However, planning or re-panning a wedding during a pandemic only compounds this.

I guarantee you, your couple has spent months, pouring over the best way to move forward. Some have already paid for their wedding in full and would stand to forfeit thousands. Others who have already postponed may be mentally preparing to do it all over again.

There are a lot of alternative wedding planning ideas circulating the web right now. While I applaud those couples hosting zoom weddings or taking photos with masks, please respect that it’s not the right choice for everyone.

Unless your couple is directly seeking advice from you, please refrain from sharing opinions about what you would do or what you think they should do. Let’s keep the focus on them.

“Telling us not to worry doesn’t really take the worry away. Yes it is ‘just’ a celebration, but at the end of the day, it represents a lot more. It was meant to be the beginning of a new chapter which impacts life plans at different scales depending on relationship singularity.”

– Elizabeth R.  2020 bride

3. DO: honour the original postponed wedding date.

Even if your couple has picked new dates for their postponed wedding and/or events, they will still be sad for awhile. Especially when those dates come and go. All of those pre-set calendar countdowns are quiet reminders that this really isn’t happening.

Let your couple know you’re thinking of them and are still excited to celebrate with them. They could really use a healthy distraction or pick me up from you right now.

Free Ideas to Support corona virus Couples

  • Call or Face-time them to chat
  • Acknowledge change of date invites and RSVP asap (whether or not you plan to go)
  • Organize a drive-by parade
  • Share/tag them in old photos
  • Send voice memos or videos of your well wishes
  • Coordinate a Zoom Happy Hour

Going the Extra Mile

*** PSA: The financial burden of the pandemic has affected us all differently. Don’t feel guilty or obliged if the following suggestions are not within your means. Words of affirmation or some form of quality time (social distance style) will do the trick! ***

  • Write them a thoughtful card
  • Deck out their car or doorstep in fun decor
  • Have take out delivered or drop off baked goodies
  • Send a care package or flowers
  • Order a wedding registry item early
  • Make them something special (photo album, cake topper, etc)

“When our bachelorette trip was cancelled, my Maid of Honour arranged a surprise virtual hangout with our whole wedding party. One bridesmaid had a bottle of nice champagne delivered. Another sent soft pretzels because the bachelorette was supposed to be in Philly. When my shower was cancelled, my mom brought over a “preview” of the drinks and apps she is planning on serving when we can reschedule. All of these gestures meant so much, but really what mattered was the acknowledgement that this was super shitty.”

– Sara J. 2020 bride

4: DON’T: complain about inconvenience or change of plans.

>> Whatever you do, RESIST THE URGE TO MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU. <<

Couples are facing very limited options right now. Here are just a few examples of the roadblocks they’re hitting with a postponed wedding date. (Hint: it’s not as easy as you may think).

Even if the venue doesn’t cancel FIRST, weddings are going to look very different this year. It’s likely social distancing, sanitation rules, and public mask requirements will force concessions on almost every detail of the wedding day. Fair to say, these are not the kind of images your couple wanted to mark this milestone.

Depending on where you live in the world, some venues are also requiring couples to scale down their guest list by 50% or more to keep their 2020 date.

The hardest part of wedding planning is choosing the guest list. Please be understanding if your couple opts to move forward with a smaller ceremony (with or without you). These decision were made out of necessity, not any ill will. I promise they’re as bummed as you are.

Limited Vendor Availability and Dates.

With all spring and summer weddings being postponed right now, 2021 dates are getting booked faster than ever. Venues often book 1-2 years in advance, which means most weekend dates are not even an option. (Prepare to attend a lot of weekday weddings next year!)

Many couples have found themselves in the unfortunate predicament of either ‘riding it out’ and hoping for normalcy or not being able to secure a new date with all their original vendors. Depending on the vendor, a postponed wedding date may also come with additional rescheduling fees.

Travel Restrictions and Mandated Quarantines.

If the postponed wedding requires travel, of course it’s a drag for you to re-book your flights, hotels etc for new dates. But right now, no one is more inconvenienced, emotionally and financially, than your couple.

It’s a strange year for destination weddings. Couples are wary of borders shutting down, mandated 2-week quarantines upon arrival, or even getting stuck at their destination indefinitely. Some guests may not even be able to secure a passport this year.

“I was supposed to be getting married on November 6, 2020. But with all the speculation of this coming back in the fall and my venue only having 1 date open next July, we postponed out of an abundance of caution. I am sad but ultimately feel it was the best decision.”

– Lisa A. 2020 bride

5. DO: check in on them.

You might think it’s better to ignore the situation because you’re scared of causing hurt or building more tension. But your silence can feel a lot more like indifference.

Unless they tell you they don’t want to talk about it, assume it would mean a lot to hear from you. Don’t be afraid to bring it up first. Because the last thing you want to do when you feel like crap is initiate a conversation to talk about your crap. (Am I right?)

We all speak different love languages. If you’re not a big talker, maybe you can send your couple something sweet or write a heartfelt note. If you’re not a good gift giver, offering to help with a wedding related task can go a long way too. (More on that below).

“Our wedding was so close and the second we rescheduled, everyone stopped talking about it. It’s just hard to get excited anymore. With our original date approaching, not having anyone check in has been the most hurtful.”

– Allie V. 2020 bride

6. DON’T: ask too many logistical questions.

Honestly, the last thing your couple needs right now is to be bombarded with questions about their plans. Especially logistical questions that cause more work for them. This is a quick way to ramp up anxiety and stress.

Weddings have so many moving parts. Your couple is essentially back to square one with their planning: trimming the guest list, revisiting their contracts, lining up vendor availability, re-booking events, travel, appointments, etc.

Give your couple time to process what they’re going through. Needless to say, they are asking the same questions as you, but on steroids. Trust that they’ll send you updated information as soon as they can.

“I’m chronically ill- the stress of planning the first wedding, then changing it to adapt to restrictions, then cancelling was so tough. I’m not sure I’m ready to pick myself back up and plan another wedding when the world is still in chaos. I don’t mind people asking if we are going to have a reception, but trying to narrow down a time frame when we’re only just getting back to normal is hard.”

– Regina W. 2020 bride

7. DO: offer specific ways to help.

“Let me know how I can help” is always a kind sentiment…but does it actually help? It’s a passive phrase that is unlikely to lead to any sort of action from either party. Coming up with ideas on how to delegate tasks has the adverse effect of creating more work for your couple.

In this situation, it will probably be more helpful to be pro-active with suggestions. Offer to take on tangible tasks or favours. Re-frame the question to, “Would it be helpful for you if I ____?

Struggling to come up with ideas? Here’s a short list of ways you can support your couple right now. Crossing anything off their to-do list right now will be a relief.

Actionable Ideas to Help Couples Affected by corona-virus.

  • Field and answer follow up questions from guests
  • Plan a virtual happy hour or game night for rescheduled bachelor/bachelorette parties
  • Help design/come up with verbiage for change of date invites or website
  • Offer to store their wedding decor or the dress
  • Research/refer new vendors (if they lose some with a date change)
  • Honour original payment dates for wardrobe/accommodations/etc (if you can swing it)
  • Start a DIY wedding project to work on together for the new date

“It’s a difficult time for everyone and all of us are not the best versions of ourselves, regardless if one is a bride or not. I think what would be helpful for me is to simply check in. Ask how we’re doing navigating through this loss, ask how one can help, and just listen. Offer love and support like one would at any other time, without soliciting unwanted advice/relatable thoughts, because the reality is, no one can really relate unless one is also a COVID bride.” 

– Jamie D. 2020 bride

postponed wedding = opportunity to strengthen relationships.

To all of the couples out there who were forced to postpone or cancel their weddings: I am so truly sorry. Give yourselves the grace and space right now to sit with your feelings. The way you process this experience is personal, but take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.

You are loved, you are deserving, and you are strongYou got this.

And to everyone else out there, thank you for going out of your way to be there for your couples. I understand supporting loved ones is a form of emotional labour, especially in the middle of a pandemic. You’re an amazing friend/family member/co-worker/person.

(It’s also important to acknowledge that not everyone has the capacity to hold this kind of space right now and that’s more than OK too. 

While social distancing forces us to be apart, we can take this opportunity to slow down and strengthen our relationships with each other. It’s a scientific fact that connecting with loved ones boosts our mental health and bolsters resilience. And we need love more than ever to get us through this. By spreading kindness we can also do our part to spread health.

If you are a fellow COVID bride or a great friend to one, let me know in the comments.

As always, don’t forget to subscribe to LiveLaughLearn.blog to stay up to date and follow on Instagram @LiveLaughLearn.blog

XOXO.

B.

Real Talk · Uncategorized

5 Things I’m OK learning to be OK with as an adult.

If I’ve learned anything these last few years (OK, like year and a half) since turning 30, it’s that we are all truly on our own journey and life is going to look different for everyone. And you know what? THAT’S OK! It sounds like an easy thing to wrap your mind around, but for me, it’s taken some time to learn to feel OK about certain things. This post is a little more personal than I usually go with you, but I just felt like it was necessary to write because I think so many of us feel this way.

I really hope this resonates with anyone struggling with these things like I have. I’m growing and learning and accepting every day though, which feels really great. Here are 5 things I’m OK learning to be OK with as an adult.

Timelines work out differently than you imagine in your early 20’s.

When I was freshly in my 20’s, I had a vision of how the decade would play out. I’d go to university, I’d find a great job, I’d marry my high school sweetheart, I’d start a family, etc, etc. I’m sure I wasn’t the first person to be naive to the fact that sometimes things just don’t work out that way. I mean I had absolutely no clue my career would take the turn that it has and I’d end up being in fiance by day and a blogger by night. That definitely was not in 20-year-old Becca’s 10-year plan. But here I am. On a different path than what I ever thought possible. It’s definitely not what I thought it would be, but I truly believe I’m exactly where I was always meant to be. And that goes for my career, my relationship, my house – everything. Did I get married at 24 like I thought I would? Nope. But those timelines work out differently for everyone and to be honest, I’m really happy with mine and it feels SO good to be at peace with that. I’m obviously engaged now but it’s just way later than I would have guessed, but I’m JUST as happy if not more because I know myself so well.

If you’re reading this and you’re just starting out your 20’s or maybe you’re 25 or 26, my best advice is to just eliminate the pressure of trying to live up to what you thought your 20’s would be like. You’re not failing if you don’t hit a certain milestone by X age. You’re not failing if your plan changes completely and everything you thought you wanted no longer seems important. That is LIFE. It looks different for everyone, so try not to compare your journey to someone else’s.

Balance doesn’t always happen.

When I was younger I’d imagine this perfect life where I’m done with work every day by 5 pm and then I’d come home to my family where the weight of my job would never affect me. Ha! Such a funny joke looking back now isn’t it? I thought achieving the whole work-life balance thing wasn’t going to be hard, but I could not have been more wrong about this one. Around this time last year, I came to the realization that “balance” doesn’t mean being able to do everything perfectly. It means choosing which “buckets” (family, friends, work, relationship) of my life I want to give more time and attention to and that those buckets would change all the time. So now, to me, balance means knowing that I actually can’t do it all. But instead, deciding where to focus my energy.

This whole thing really was a revelation for me, which is why I wrote a big post about it previously. I’m a perfectionist by nature, so discovering what balance really means (at least to me – it’s different for everyone) and learning to be OK with it was a game-changer for me.

Motivation comes and goes.

This has been a really huge lesson for me to learn throughout my 20’s. If you struggle with feeling guilty or bad about yourself if you’re not super motivated all the time, I’m here to let you know IT’S OK! One day you’re going to kill it and get #allthethings done and the next you’re going to wonder how you were ever so productive.

Just like everything else in life, there are going to be ebbs and flows and your best bet is to just roll with it. The key to rolling with it is to not get on social media and compare yourself to others. You’re seeing their highlight reel (just like they’re probably seeing yours)!! Don’t compare someone’s best day to your average day. This is a constant work in progress for me, but I feel like the fact that I’m aware enough to know I need to work on it means I’m heading in the right direction.

You aren’t always happy.

Important PSA: You can still have a very satisfying and GOOD life and not be happy 100% of the time. I mean who the heck feels completely happy every day, all day? Not me and I’m OK with that. Bad days are going to happen, the important thing is how you respond. I hope I don’t sound too much like a coach or something right now, but it’s just what I’ve learned in the last 10 years. And that popular saying we all probably rolled our eyes at when we were younger is so true – “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

Stressful times are going to happen.

Just like being happy and feeling motivated, stressful times are going to come and go. This is one area I’m definitely still wrapping my head around because I’m still learning how to best handle myself during stressful times, but I feel like I’ve made a ton of progress in the last two or three years. I think it’s because I’ve gotten to know myself better and have figured out what my outlets are. Like brain dumps, walking, quiet time, etc. Try to pinpoint what works for you so you know how to de-stress in a healthy, productive way.

All I know is, when I was younger all I wanted was to be older. And I’d envision how fun it would be to have a house, a relationship, be able to travel, etc., but once you actually reach adulthood and see the other side of things, you realize that although it is great, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Know what I mean? But with the harder times, there are even more good times. So if you’re struggling to be OK with your life looking different than what you thought, don’t! You’re actually killing it, I guarantee it.

Is there anything in your life that’s totally different than you thought it would be or is “off-timeline”?

As always, don’t forget to subscribe to LiveLaughLearn.blog to stay up to date and follow on Instagram @LiveLaughLearn.blog

XOXO.

B.

Real Talk · Uncategorized

9 Things to do right after you get engaged.

It’s December which to many of us mean, it’s engagement season!

In case you are new around here, Tyson and I get engaged this past January and are now well underway to planning our March 2020 wedding.

Getting engaged is super exciting and I can’t urge you enough to pause and let the moment soak in before you rush into any decisions. You’ve paused and are ready now? OK, so now I want to talk about what comes next! I’m guessing there are a few of you out there who might be in the same boat as me right now, or you’re women’s intuition is going off and you’re sensing an upcoming engagement, which is why I wanted to write a post all about what to do right after you get engaged. Some of it may seem a little like common sense, but some things have even taken me by surprise!

Whether your engagement is a few months or a year, I hope this post is helpful for any brides-to-be out there like myself. And if you have any other important tips on what to get done ASAP, please share in the comments!!

Celebrate!

I wanted to include taking a minute to celebrate because hello!! You just got engaged!! Trust me, I totally get how easy it is to dive in head first to wedding planning mode without even taking a minute to digest the fact that you’re getting married. But it’s totally worth it to slow down for a second and take it all in. Lucky for us, we were on vacation when we got engaged so that gave us a few days to spread the word before we arrived home to our friends waiting with bottles of champs!

Insure your ring and get it sized.

OK, so this is VERY important. I’ll be honest – I didn’t even really realize this was something you have to do, but you 100% should. Get it done right away too because if anything happens to your ring, you want it to be covered!

This is also a good time to get your ring sized if you need to (Tyson was adorable and crept into my closet to measure my rings before he proposed. However, he accidentally measured my thumb ring for my right hand which is much larger than my left handed ring finger. I needed to take mine in to be sized from a 6.5 to a 3.25. He was smart enough to bring temporary spacers for the ring on our vacation so I could wear it in the meantime). It sucks to be without your ring for a little bit, but you don’t want it falling off or be too tight! Some jewellers can do it day-of on the spot like mine did so call around!

Set a wedding budget.

This is one of those logistical things that isn’t very fun but has to be done. Think about the kind of wedding you want (big, small, local, destination, plated dinner vs buffet, etc.) and get an idea of what your budget will be. Do this ASAP so you can start booking vendors and thinking about all the fun details! I suggest starting an Excel file and adding every budgeted amount and every purchase so you can stay on track.

Nail down your most important vendors.

Speaking of vendors, you want to nail them down basically as soon as possible. This would include things like your venue, your photographer/videographer, your planner (if you’re having one), the florist, caterer, DJ or band, etc. These people book up months (sometimes years!) in advance so start doing your research right away and then book visits so you can make a decision sooner rather than later.

Pick your date.

You basically can’t do anything else until you have your date set in stone, so while you’re contacting all your top vendor choices, be sure to get a few available dates from each of them to help you narrow down what date works best overall. Take into consideration weather, if you want something inside or out, in-season vs. out of season prices, the type of vision you have and all that!

Share your plans with close friends and family.

As you start booking things, you’ll definitely want to keep your family and close friends in the loop. You don’t want to pick a date that doesn’t work for one of the most important people in your life but you also don’t want to be living on other people’s agendas, so keep this circle small-ish. If you want a big wedding, it might be best to do something more off-season so you know more people will be able to attend!

Choose your wedding party.

If you are having a quick engagement, choosing your wedding party is something to do right away! If you’re having a longer engagement it may not seem quite as important, and I would almost have to discourage you from making a quick decision on this. Friendships can change overnight and when you add a wedding into the mix, sometimes people change. Your girls are going to want to get to work planning showers and a bachelorette party for you so giving them as much time as possible is always helpful but make sure you think this through before hand. If you aren’t doing a party, you can obviously skip this!

Gather inspiration.

Now it’s time for all the really fun stuff! I’m neck-deep in wedding inspo right now and it’s been so dang exciting! Grab a big glass of wine and get over to Pinterest ASAP because you’ll be both fascinated and overwhelmed by all the different styles of weddings that are possible! So. Many. Choices.

Go dress shopping.

Ahhhh!! This can be the most exciting part but it can also take some time! I suggest starting this sooner than later once you have a clear idea of your venue and decor. You might be like me who falls in love after the first dress and you’ll know that’s the dress without trying on others. Or, you may go to every bridal stone in your town and try on everything! Even if you have a year-long engagement, I definitely wouldn’t wait too long to pick your dress!

Sometimes I still have to pinch myself that I’m engaged and all of this is happening so fast! Where are you at in your planning cycle? What do you have done and what do you have left to do? Any other March brides here or destination brides?

As always, don’t forget to subscribe to LiveLaughLearn.blog to stay up to date and follow on Instagram @LiveLaughLearn.blog

XOXO.

B.