Real Talk · Uncategorized

I slowed my darn role.

One.

That is the amount of times I got dressed this past weekend.

Sure, there are hundreds of things I could have done this weekend and a handful of things I should have this weekend.

I very easily could have caught up on the towering loads of laundry that are invading our laundry room, I also could have gone shopping for the ideal silver and glittery handbag I need for a wedding at the end of the month which will complement my navy gown perfectly.

I know that I should have cleaned out the refrigerator I have been neglecting and I also should have finishing sanding the stain and paint off our kitchen table and chairs so I could have them refinished by Thanksgiving which is in just under 5 weeks. But, I didn’t.

The only productive thing I did this weekend was listen to my body and to my soul that have been yelling, kicking and screaming at me to slow my darn role lately. It has been a busy summer, which is great but as we prepare to transition into fall and the next level of busy-I needed a break. This fall we have two weddings to attend, Thanksgiving dinner to host, my birthday to celebrate, our 7 year anniversary to celebrate, two very good friend’s birthdays to celebrate, oh…and our wedding to plan still!

As much as I needed to take a time out, I also needed to come to terms with accepting that I was going to be selfish with myself this weekend. I needed to accept that I was going to say “no thank you” to all plans with friends, regardless if they understood or accepted my reasoning.

This is conflicting because as I told you recently, I am a total people pleaser. I will enthusiastically say “YES” to all kinds of things that I don’t actually want to do. Why do I do this? I think it boils down to the fact that by agreeing to these things, it makes other people happy and when I am the reason for someones happiness, I feel good about myself. I’s a weird and sick little game, I know this. Whatever.

cozy outfit

Can I be real for a minute? I had the best weekend by doing absolutely nothing productive for the outside world. I woke up both mornings and washed my face, brushed my teeth and changed from my pajamas into comfy clothes, puttered around and entertained myself, showered in the evening and put back on my pajamas. My hair was in a scrunchie all weekend! I didn’t even open my make up drawer once! I was me in the most natural sense of being. And I loved every minute of it.

So, what did I do? I cracked the spine on The Scent of You (by Maggie Alderson) which I meant to get to this summer but couldn’t find the time. I relaxed with face masks and played with a new eye cream which I will tell you about soon. I dusted off the Crock-Pot and tried a new Italian chicken recipe for dinner, it was delicious. I walked around in my oversized fluffy cozy socks. I dug out most of our fall decor that was packed away in the basement and set it up feeling festive while drinking a new bottle of white wine. I helped a friend that lives in my area look for her missing kitty, Ginger (sadly, she is still out on an adventure somewhere but we’ll keep looking until she comes home). I put together this years Thanksgiving dinner menu. I made my NFL picks for the week for our family Yahoo football pool and I mostly I hung out with my two loves- Tyson and Winston.

pumpkin kitchen table

pumpkin coffee table

pumpkin kitchen

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One thing that I did do this weekend was I carved aside some time to catch up on other blogs and see what all of you have been up to lately. I wanted to share my amazing friend Erin’s blog with you – The Crafted Dreamer. (Erin, how long have we known each other? At least 10 years I would say?) Erin is the definition of a beautiful soul – and no, that’s not a Jesse McCartney reference although I kind of wish it was. The Crafted Dream is a glimpse into her life which can be messy at times but also beautiful. She talks about real shit and she isn’t afraid to go there – depression, anxiety, relationships and the fears and hurtles that come along with those. Her blog is a definite must read and subscribe!

What did your past weekend look like? Are you getting ready for fall or still tying to hold onto summer until the last drop? Also, besides mine obvs what other blogs are you loving right now? I am always curious and looking for new blog reads so point me in he direction of some boss babes out there! Heck- brag on yourself even! Tell me about your blog!!

As always, don’t forget to subscribe to LiveLaughLearn.blog to stay up to date and follow on Instagram @LiveLaughLearn.blog

XOXO.

B.

 

Real Talk · Uncategorized

People pleasing

Hi friends! I’m back today with my thoughts on people pleasing and how to go about breaking the pattern of always wanting to bend over backward for everyone. As a fellow people pleaser myself, I know this is much easier said than done, which is why I wanted to talk about it.

Here’s the thing, being a people pleaser isn’t a bad thing, in fact, I think it means you care deeply about others and you just want to see them succeed. But at what cost? From my experience, it’s usually at the expense of my own sanity. Anyone else guilty of sacrificing themselves in this way for someone else’s benefit? I am not saying you should never do nice things for others, but there needs to be a boundary. So today is all about drawing that line and discussing how to stop being a people pleaser. Come on, let’s do it together!!

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Start small.

First things first, start small. Like making any big change in your life, it’s best to start small so you don’t end up overwhelmed. Being a people pleaser is usually something you’re born with so kicking the habit is going to take time and patience. Start with small no’s in casual situations. For example, if a friend asks you to go out for drinks but you really don’t want to drink that night, suggest dinner instead or even a coffee date. This way you won’t have the guilt of completely saying no but you’re asking for something that makes it more convenient for you.

Find satisfaction with internal validation.

There’s a lot of information out there on the science and psychology of being a people pleaser and something I read recently really stuck with me. It said that a lot of the time people pleasers get their confidence from external forces. Meaning, what makes them feel good about themselves is someone needing their help and therefore making them feel needed. People pleasers tend to feed off of that and as time goes on, will start to really go over the top to make sure everyone else is happy and satisfied, forgetting about themselves.

Doesn’t this make SO much sense? The article continued to say that to break the habit, we have to find things that make us feel good about ourselves and give us confidence that comes from a place of internal validation, not from someone else. So like finding things that give us joy without feeling “needed”. For me, that means spending time with friends just hanging out, going on walks with Winston or even putting outfit inspiration together for you guys! These are things that make me feel good without feeling like I’m only doing them because someone else needs me to.

Get rid of any toxic relationships.

When you’re trying to kick any bad habit, you can’t do it surrounded by toxic people. Kind of like when you’re trying to eat healthier or work out more. The positive people in your life will understand the changes and choices you’re making, while the negative might criticize or even look down on you. These are the kind of relationships that won’t let you grow. And they’re probably the people that take advantage of your people-pleasing ways anyway, so kick them to curb and allow yourself to continue growing and improving. I dedicated an entire post on how to end these toxic relationships here.

Learn to be more self-aware.

Learning to be more self-aware over the last few years has enabled me to grow SO much, including stopping being such a people pleaser all the time. But self-awareness can kind of seem like an elusive thing, right? Like how do you “learn to be more self-aware”? I used to wonder the same thing, which is why I wrote this detailed post awhile ago. I talk about how to do it and why it’s important. Definitely read it if self-awareness feels like a giant question mark to you.

All of this to say, for this specific situation, becoming more self-aware will help you know when you’re displaying people pleaser behavior, the situations that trigger it and what you need to do to reel it back in!

Know that there is a choice.

The next time you find yourself in the position to either please or disappoint, try to stop and really think about what your next words or actions should be. I know my first reaction can be to dive in, do whatever someone needs help with and then watch them feel happy. It’s not wrong to want people to be happy, you just have to make it a conscious choice and not a knee-jerk reaction that costs you your own happiness.

Take a minute to step back and respond thoughtfully and intentionally. And if you do say no, don’t apologize for it! Own your decision and feel good about it. The world will keep turning, I promise! Just because you chose to say no doesn’t mean you’re not a kind, empathic person. You’re simply putting yourself first in that moment and that’s nothing to feel guilty about.

Give yourself grace.

You don’t want kicking this habit to turn into you being hard on yourself if you fail, so give yourself some grace. Start small like I mentioned above and if you find yourself taking care of others before taking care of yourself, don’t punish yourself for it. Actually, just being aware that you were people pleasing is progress if you ask me!

I hope you found this helpful. If anyone else struggles with being a people pleaser, I’d love to hear from you in the comments!

Don’t forget to subscribe to LiveLaughLearn.blog to stay up to date and follow on Instagram @LiveLaughLearn.blog

XOXO.

B.

Real Talk · Uncategorized

things you can do every day to be more confident.

One of the things I’m most thankful for in life is that I was raised to be confident. Well. actually if I am being honest I wasn’t raised to be confident but the complete opposite of that. I learnt at a young age that I was better than that and in that lesson I learnt to be confident myself.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still something I struggle with EVERY SINGLE DAY, but it’s always been instilled in me. That I’m good enough. That I’m loved. And even though I know that in the back of my head, it doesn’t mean I don’t question decisions and feel like I have no idea what I’m doing with my life half of the time. I still think there’s room for improvement – and even more importantly, reminders.

There are certain things we can all do each day to make us feel a little more confident –  no matter our upbringing, what we believe in, or what kind of person we are. And I’m here to share 8 of those things!

Own your body language.

Have you ever met someone who always stands up straight with their shoulders back, not crossing their arms, and just owning their body stance? You probably automatically felt their confidence (whether it was real or not). And then compare it to someone hunched over, crossing their arms or not facing you head on, and that person probably seems like they’re way less secure. Studies actually show that body language can change one’s confidence, but it also shows others that you are. Even if you have to fake it ’til you make it!

Introduce yourself.

Being the first to introduce yourself – whether at an event or with a new person in a friend group – can go a long way with confidence. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s one simple way to feel confident. Plus, knowing people’s names and truly remembering them will help you feel secure in social settings.

Speak up.

Remember how I said I taught myself to be confident? THIS is one of the biggest lessons I taught myself– to speak my mind. To speak it even if other people don’t agree or have different opinions. To raise your hand in a class or whatever and let your thoughts be known (because they are SO valuable and worthy to be heard!). Next time you have the chance, try it. You’ll probably notice that you want to keep it in or not say anything because it’s uncomfortable, but force yourself. Even if it’s something small (like what you actually want for dinner!), say it! I have a feeling it’ll be really empowering.

Do something for yourself.

This can be a confidence boost for a couple of reasons. One, it reminds yourself that you’re important and that your needs matter. No, this isn’t being selfish, it’s being smart. Secondly, it probably makes you feel really good! And it’s hard to be confidence when you’re not feeling good with yourself! Whatever makes you confident – whether that’s working out and staying in shape, doing a face mask and having beautiful skin, taking a bath to let your mind chill and open up space, reading the bible – do it. Every. Single. Day.

Look people in the eyes.

I already mentioned body language, but this is SO important I wanted to call it out on its own. This is another thing that might feel kinda awkward at first, but it’s a power play, I promise. The more you do it, the easier the habit gets. Look people in the eye when they are talking to you or when you’re talking to them (instead of staring at the floor or wherever). Of course you can look away here and there, but try to go the majority of the conversation looking into people’s eyes.

Learn something new.

For me, learning makes me feel really good about myself. It makes me feel confident. I like to challenge myself and learning does that for me. Plus, I think being knowledgeable can be great in so many situations – like talking with strangers and friends, having opinions, etc. Try to learn something new as often as possible. That can be done from reading a book, learning a new word a day, listening to a podcast, whatever you want! Just know that you don’t have to be in school or learn a new language or something grand to improve your knowledge.

Say positive affirmations.

This is probably either hit or miss for people, and I get it. Everyone is different and what works for some might not work for others. But I have heard SO many people rave about what positive affirmations can do, especially for their confidence levels. I’ve even heard some of my personal mentors mention them. Looking into the mirror every morning and saying “I’m smart, I’m meant to be heard.” or “I’m beautiful and I’m thankful for my body” are good examples. They might feel cheesy at first, but they can’t hurt right? It’s crucial to teach your brain to think positive thoughts while replacing the negative ones.

Do something you don’t want to do.

Facing fears can be monumental for growth (and for confidence). Think about it. Say you’re terrified of flying but get through a flight successfully. Though you might not notice it, your body and your mind are feeling a little better about doing it again. And likewise, doing something you don’t want to do – like working out – can eventually form a habit of doing what’s hard. You know that boost you get after you finish something you’ve been putting off or not wanting to do? Think of how big of an impact facing a block or a fear EVERY day could do! Try to do this thing in the morning, as we all tend to have more willpower then – and it’ll naturally give your entire day a boost of confidence!

What About You?

I hope this list serves you in some capacity – and I’d love to hear what gives YOU confidence. Is there a daily practice you have?